Which Skiviez are you?

I was doing some online shopping when an ad popped out of my screen. It says in the ad Skiviez Shop. Being new here in the US, I dunno what the hell is a skiviez! so out of curiousity I clicked the ad and lo and behold...this is a skiviez.

So I clicked some more and not bad....i actually enjoyed the site . Here's another photo from this site. This is the back view of the previews photo.

Okei, I know you're all heated up now by these photos, if you're gonna "do" someone, always be careful, be safer. Stop the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Visit this site Skiviez Shop for more selection of skiviez and more choices of men.

White Christmas....

My very first white christmas here in the US. I've experienced several winter storm na. Kakaiba sya. Tonight we are expecting more than 8 inches of snow. Imagine nag park lang ako for 15 minutes sa Walmart and when I got back sa kotse, covered with snow na ang kotse ko. I had to dust off the windshield and the rear. Its a good thing that its not an icy rain or wintry mix kse mahirap tanggalin. Snow lang sya na loose and fluffy.

Anyways, I had my blood drawn the other day. They will test it for T-cell count. If I have enough T-cell count daw then I wouldn't need to undergo a medication therapy in which several concoctions of medicine ang iinumin ko. Sabi ng doctor sometimes T-cell plumets down at the onset of HIV infection but then bounced back naman to the normal T-cell counts. Its like getting shocked by the virus namumutla ang mga T-cells sa pag invade ni HIV pero pag nandyan na, napapakisamahan na kaya back to normal ang count. In this case the patient daw should be well and healthy. I am hoping that my T-cells are high enough so that I wouldn't undergo too many medications. Next few weeks i will know if Im ok or I have to undergo na a medication therapy.

Im enjoying myself. Finally i survived the first half year ko dito sa US. Although nilalamig ako dito Im happy to be here. Met new friends, formed new barkadas.

The Cross Country Winter Storm-World AIDS Day

a safe sex ad campaign created by TBWA Paris that created
quite a stir in France. Safer Sex is the Best Sex!

At 11am of December 1st, the first winter storm of the season struck the city I am currently staying at. It dumped a manageable thickness of flurries. My first time to go out after a winter storm. Quite difficult to drive since you have little traction on your wheels. It took me a while to back up the driveway since I had to scrape off the frost on my windshield. I was trying to heat up the windshield from inside so i turned the blower on but to no avail it wont just melt. I had to go out of the car just to scrape it off. When i finally was backing out of th driveway...whoa!! I couldn't control the wheels...damn! I got scared because there were other cars parked outside, anyhow, I managed to regain control of the wheel and drive really really slow. Its a wierd feeling to drive on the snow. You have to break ahead, like break at least a few meters from the stop sign and dont think that you can still do the same thing that you can just break anytime you want to or else your car will skid. Yeah, as I was backing out from the parking lot of Chipotle, I just saw a Ford Explorer spun around and skidded in that busy street that I took earlier. Luckily, people were really slow in driving at this time. No idea what came into the mind of the Ford Explorer driver. Maybe he's pissed at the snow but this is no time to get mad, or have a road rage.

Ive gotta lots of deadlines now, so im gonna keep this short. I know its the World AIDS Day today and my message to everyone is "Be safer" because there no such thing as Be safe...there's always the risk but then minimize that risk. I just wish i could go out and participate in the celebration but I have some important stuff to do for work that I need to finish.

Repost from MGG "Ria and the Gay Rich Lover"

You might have read this already at Migs blog but I just wanted to have a copy of mine. Its the story of a woman, sharing her husband with a rich gay man. Naawa ako sa babae, sana the man could've been more honest at the very beginning, sana di na nangyari ang pregnancy and they could've just been friends. Inis naman ako sa rich gay lover kse he is using all his powers para paikutin ang mag-asawa. Sad kse bad ang pagkakaportray ng bading dito but then again, this is sometimes the reality. Anyways, para maiba naman tayo at hindi puro na lang HIV ang pinag-uusapan sa blog. And Ria if you are reading this blog, humahanga ako sa pasensya mo, sa love mo sa husband mo and sa tapang mo to share him with a gay man. I pray for your strenght sa gagawin mong decision. Good luck.

Dearest Migs,
I hope everything’s fine on your end.
I am not your usual reader (Yes, I am a real woman). I came across this great site upon researching about a person’s sexuality. Well, my husband, Ram. And I thought, you can provide a sound advice given a gay man’s perspective.
I’m Ria, I’m a mother of two, a 7-year old and a 2-year old, both girls. I have been married for seven years to Ram, a nice person and a good looking man (I’m proud that my husband is such a cutie). He was my boyfriend for two years in college and after college, we got married because I got pregnant.
He is a good, loving husband and a great father. Aside from fighting from usual, petty things - we are doing good, almost perfect. Except for one, for seven years, I feel that this marriage is a marriage of three people, he has a gay lover — which I knew even before we got married. All these years, I learned to accept our situation but I am now having a change of heart.
Andy, the third party — rich and gay
The third person in our relationship is Andy. He is three years older than my husband. They became friends in college because they belong to the same fraternity. I didn’t know that Andy is gay. He acts like a straight guy, even up to now. Coming from a rich and influential family, I understand why he’s in the closet.
I had this theory that Andy was smitten to Ram when my husband was a frat neophyte. Who would not find him attractive, he’s tall, very handsome, guileless, dashing, and got a great body. If he wanted back then, he can pass up as a model or an actor. He had this story that he might have been beaten badly during their initiation rites if not for Andy. He thinks that Andy protected him during that rites. They are both engineers, my husband being a civil engineer. He said that their friendship was brotherly until when Andy came out to Ram, that Andy loved him very much. My husband didn’t return the feelings, he had another girlfriend back then. (Which didn’t last, I suspect that Andy has something to do why Ram broke up with the girl). They still became very good friends, even after Andy’s graduation. He would visit Ram at the university or at his boarding house, always checking on him. Even though Andy would constantly hit on Ram, he would ignore and laugh at it.
The Tragedy and The Savior
And then, there came a tragedy to Ram’s life. His father died from a heart attack and his mother was diagnosed with cancer leaving a pile of financial burden to Ram’s family. Their family business went bankrupt. Being the 2nd eldest, his older sister already has a family, we wanted to stop studying and would work to support his mother and younger siblings. He stopped for about a year to attend to his family’s needs.
But Andy came to his rescue. He convinced Ram to go back to school and he would support him and support his family without asking anything in return. Andy is rich and holds a good position into their family’s company. Heavily indebted to Andy, Ram offered himself, and he became Andy’s lover.
I met Ram on our 4th year in college through a common friend. I have to admit that I was the first one who set the initiative to get to know Ram more. After all, I am not the only girl who flirted with him. Aside from being good looking, he was nice, had a great sense of humor. We had no formal courting and we just decided that we are on a relationship. My only trouble was when her ex-gf sent nasty things about me. I knew that they didn’t end up in good terms.At first, I didn’t knew who Andy was. Ram let us meet and he introduced Andy to me as his best friend, his brother at the fraternity. I found their friendship cute since they always had this pingpong or basketball game every Friday and that Ram would go to Andy’s place to ask help on his academics (If only I knew back then). I felt that Andy didn’t like me at first. He looked at me from head to toe. After a few months, Andy and I became close, to the point that we exchange stories about Ram. Andy is also a nice guy. I was clueless as he knows a lot of things about Ram. We even laughed at Ram’s nasty mannerisms and antics. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said that she is always busy. However, I never had a chance to meet his “girlfriend”.
When we graduated, Ram landed a job in an engineering firm (with Andy’s influence) and I got a job from a government agency. Then, I got pregnant. When I told Ram about the situation, he was stunned, and I knew he lost his flow of thoughts. And he said that he would marry me. I moved to his place and that is when I started thinking after going through his things, how did he manage to graduate college, with his mother’s medical condition (his mother apparently survived breast cancer) and his younger siblings still studying when he just started with his new job. It never occurred to me when we were still dating, as he was saying his relatives were helping them.
Discovering The Gay Relationship
I searched on his stuff and found some pictures of him and Andy, which were not “friendly”. While I haven’t found an image with both men in a compromising act, one image stuck in my head, with Andy embracing Ram and kissing him on the cheek.I had a feeling that Andy is gay and Ram is his lover. It must have been my hormonal imbalance during that time when I am pregnant that kicked my instincts to know more about Andy and Ram.
Checking on further, it was only that time that I realized that how can Ram afford such expensive items when I knew he tried to make ends meet during college. I knew it those were expensive items because I searched on Hamilton watches, Lacoste shoes and shirts, among other things. He has things I knew he couldn’t afford. I was very nosy to the point I checked on his bank account and found a good amount going through his account monthly for several years. I was really convinced that there something going on with Andy and Ram but I cannot find something to pin them down.
Mustering all the courage, I confronted Ram and asked him directly who is Andy to his life. I never saw Ram so sad until that day, when he said that he is Andy’s kept man. That they are more than just friends. I was really angry that time and I wanted to think that he didn’t say what he just said. Then he started his story as I wrote above.
“Do you love him?”
I didn’t know what to do, I love Ram so much and I can feel that he loves so much too. I asked him if he loves Andy, he said, that Andy is important to him as he saved his life, that he’ll forever be in debt with Andy. I decided to accept him back but Andy has to go. He said he’s going to talk to Andy. And he left his place and went on to Andy’s.
The following day, I received a call from Andy and although I hesitated to talk to him but I listened to him anyway. He wanted to meet me and said a number of “I’m sorry”.
“You are the querida, not me!”
When I met Andy it seemed like it was not the Andy I knew, he started crying and pleaded that I should not take Ram away from him, as Ram meant so much to him. And that he could not live without Ram. As we are talking, I remembered all the good things that he did for us and to Ram. I still remember what he said to me seven years ago - “i was the one who first came into Ram’s life, if he didn’t told me that he loved you so much, I would never have allowed you to share him with me”. That hit me, in short, I am the other woman!
He Loves You, He Needs Me
And then he went to - “Ram loves you but he needs me.” and then proposed that we’ll share Ram. I have 5 days and he will have him for 2 days a week. It was a pathetic set up but I accepted it as I love Ram so much and I want my baby to have a father.
Cutting the story short, we agreed on that set up and Ram and I got married. He was even Ram’s best man. I gave birth and Andy was one of my baby’s godfather. As Ram’s career is going up, I decided to be a fulltime housewife. Whenever we had problems, Andy is there to help us. I got used seeing Ram’s go to his place every Wednesday and Friday. Andy and I even spend sometime shopping, and doing other things.
Sharing Ram
All is okay until I started to realize that Andy is asking for more time with Ram, instead of 2 days, Ram spends three days (nights) with him. He doesn’t usually give Ram awful kiss marks but when Ram goes home and we make out, I can notice kiss marks that he is giving on my husband - as if making me think that, your man came through with my hands first. This started to happen when Ram started planning that he wants to leave the country and work abroad several months ago. I supported Ram’s plan but Andy is strongly against it. I can feel that Ram somehow fears Andy but I can’t seem to make Ram say a thing.
For several weeks, I am not seeing Andy and now he wants Ram to accompany him for this two-week overseas vacation. I told Ram not to, as we haven’t been on vacation that long ourselves. I think that Andy is already tired of this set up and goes on his way to take Ram away from me. I love Ram but it seems that he can’t get away with Andy. It’s been seven years but isn’t it fair to claim for my man as mine? Kelan ba natatapos ang utang na loob? I do not know if this set up can last forever.
If you are in my situation, what would you do? How will I fight for my man? How can I compete with Andy? I think I’m going crazy and I’m about to fall out.Thanks for you time in reading my letter.
Wishing for the best,Ria
PS: before deciding to send this letter, i thought that your readers might go on and say, that I leave Ram and give him to Andy… oh well…and sorry, i’m not a good writer.

And this is Ria's Reply sa mga nagcomment sa sulat nya.

Hello Migs,
I never expected that my letter will be published that fast. Thank you for your kind words and from your readers. Please, please, extend my heartfelt gratitude for their thoughts and for the advice that they gave. I just read their comments and I must say that I am overwhelmed.
Also, I would like to apologize for stereotyping gay men. I think I have offended some people that I was expecting that they will say I must give up Ram to Andy. I’m sorry, I never knew that not all gay men were cynical about relationships. I feel that saying sorry is notenough to cover all the words of encouragement your readers contribute. I’m sorry.
The truth is, other than soliciting advice, writing to you was my last resort to know what might Andy or Ram is thinking, from other people who do not know us. I thought, your readers can give me an idea what Andy or Ram is thinking right now.
The sad thing is, I’ve already asked Ram to choose between the two of us. My heart was broken when he said, that I should not make him choose because he will not choose any of us. That was over a year ago. I am preparing to ask this again and building up my strength on whatever his answer might be.
All these years, I thought I was just a strong woman for being able to handle all of these. Now I start to realize that being a martyr doesn’t mean being strong. I guess, it took over 50 people to say this on my face.
Thank you, thank you. I know that I have two wonderful kids and there’s a better life waiting for me. And I pray hard that I still have Ram to be with me. No matter what happens, I believe that I can get through this.
Even we don’t know each other personally, I think you are great guy. You are all wonderful! (And for those I have offended, I am so sorry).
Wishing for the best,Ria

Again Ria, we wish you all the best of luck.

Sa Aking Paglalakbay sa Blogsphere

Dahil mahilig ako maglakbay sa blogsphere, napunta ako sa site ng Club Government. Meron palang celebration sa December 1 on HIV/AIDS awareness. Noong inusisa ko ang mga events dyan sa Pinas sa December, napagalaman ko na meron palang Pride March dyan sa December 8. Ngayon nalilito na ako. Noong nandyan pa ako, naaalala ko na June or July yan idinadaos. So nagmomove ang Pride March sa Pinas?

Anyway, hindi yan ang point ng pagsusulat ko ngayon. Sana talaga isinasapuso natin ang awareness na ito. Marami akong naging karanasan dyan sa Pinas. Laman ako ng BED at ng Club Government nung nandyan pa ako. Marami din akong napuntahang mga "party" at "partEEE", pero ang habilin ko lang sa mga gumagawa nito, mag-iingat kayo. Hindi masamang pumunta sa mga ganyang events pero kailangan alam natin ang responsibilidad natin. Malamang nakuha ko itong permanent resident ko sa mga "party" na pinuntahan ko at huli na rin ang lahat, ipinapaalala ko na lang na mag-iingat kayo kse di natin alam kung sino-sino na ang mga naging kaulayaw ng mga kasama dun sa "party". In men-having-sex-with-men (MSM), responsibility and safety come first.

Sa mga magcecelebrate sa gabing ito, wag kalimutan ang rubber. Hindi man totally safe ang rubber at least binababaan nyo ang risk of exposure ng inyong mga sarili sa anumang klaseng sakit di lamang ang HIV/AIDS.

Ngayon di lang drink and party responsibly kundi isama nyo na rin ang "fuck responsibly" sa mga katagang "be safe or be sorry".

Galing sa post ni McVie kinopya ko lang. 2007 Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride March * December 8, 2007 * Malate, Manila *

Snow...

Supposed to be it's the first snow of the season here in my place. actually it's not yet even the winter pero snow has started already in some parts of the US. im waiting for it since this is the first time that i'd be seeing snow. ive been all over the world already but i haven't seen a snow in my life. sabi nila enjoy para sa mga first timers but when it starts to dump piles and piles of snow, di na raw nakakatuwa. im still awake though late na kse i wanna catch the first snow, its my first snow, its OUR first snow ni HIV.

Shorter days, Longer nights...RENT

Ganyan na dito ngayon, mahabang gabi, maiksing araw. Ang effect tuloy mabilis ang paglipas ng mga oras. Nung isang araw ay lunes pa lang tapos ngayon huwebes na, pero parang yung lunes ay kahapon lang. Liban sa mabilis na nga ang mga araw, may mga oras pa na malamig ang hangin na syang umiihip sa mukha mo. Imagine at 4:30pm sunset na. Tapos gigising ka ng 8am kinabukasan medyo makulimlim pa ang paligid. Nakakadepress. Ngayon isipin nyo pa na HIV+ ako, abah talaga namang parang pinagsukluban na ng mundo ang araw ko. Minsan paggising ko, naiisip ko na napapalapit ng napapalapit ang mga nalalabing araw ko dito sa mundo. Minsan, inaasam-asam ko pa rin na sana wala itong virus sa katawan ko. Tanggap ko na naman pero nandun pa rin ang sana ay.....

Patuloy pa rin ang pag-ikot ng aking gulong. Tingin ko nasa baba ako ngayon ng gulong ko. Pero sigurado akong di maglalaon ay aakyat ulit ako sa taas ng gulong. Di naman lahat ng HIV+ ay gumuho na ang mga pangarap nila. Ako kahit HIV+ ako ipagpapatuloy ko pa rin ang pag-asam ng aking mga pangarap, ang maginhawang buhay.

Sa mga kapwa kong HIV+ dyan, tuloy ang pag-ikot ng buhay natin, gawin natin ang lahat para kahit sa sandaling ilalagi natin dito sa mundo, maginhawa ang ating buhay.

RENT, eto ang inspiration ko ngayon.

Health Care and Support sa US

I went to the health department of the county this afternoon for an appointment with case managers. Sila ang mga social workers na tumutulong sa mga tao na may HIV. I met with two of them na tututok at tutulong sa kin in the process of managing my situation. The first lady I met was dear enough to wait for me outside of the building kse sabi ko sa kanya nahihiya ako to ask the receptionist, automatic kse pag hinanap mo sya people would conclude na may HIV ka. When finally nakapasok ako sa office nya, she closed the door and we just talked. Masarap syang kausap, she would listen and offer suggestions and advises sayo. We came to a point when she asked me of my previous partners dyan sa Philippines, and I said that it is still difficult for me to ask those partners or tell those partners to get tested kse iba ang isip ng mga tao dyan sa atin. Pag nalaman nilang may HIV ka sasabihin kaagad na may AIDS ka which is wrong. Isa sa mga worries ko is malaman nila na HIV + ako and alam nyo naman ang tsismis, mabilis kumalat. Ayoko that yung mga friends ko malalaman pa nila dahil sa tsismis. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanila na personal ang nangyari sa kin but it will come in the right time. So sabi ko sa social worker, I still have to really think about it hard kung pano ko masasabihan ang mga previous partners ko. Maybe an anonymous letter or email? But that would freak them out, pero I know sa sarili ko na di pa ako ready and the social worker was really very understanding and she said na di kailangan ngayon ko na gawin to, if the time comes na ready na ako then they will help me contact those persons. Madami kmeng pinag-usapan and sobrang lumuwag ang dibdib ko kanina after our session. It wont be a regular session tho. Sabi nya sa kin the next social worker will determine if we need to be meeting regularly.

The second social worker is the one responsible for my medical needs kung kakailanganin ko na. She basically gave me an overview of the services na pwede kong gamitin from the health department. Ngayon pa lang sobrang napakaganda ng program nila. When I went this afternoon, I also got enrolled sa Case Management Program nila, and once you are enrolled sa program na to, everything is free. I told her if it would matter na di ako US Citizen, and she even told me na kahit nga illegal ang entry ko, they would still help me because nandito ako sa US. Well sabi ko sa Pilipinas siguro mamamatay agad ako if umasa ako sa tulong ng health department dyan. Sad to say but our country is soooo behind when it comes to health services, lalo na pagdating sa HIV/AIDS. All my test are free, pati transportation ko to the Center where I will meet an HIV specialist, libre lahat. She even said that when I finally got an apartment, she would deliver food boxes for me. Sabi ko naman, I still can manage and I also have a job so sabi ko sa mga less fortunate HIV+ na lang muna nya ibigay ang food boxes. Medyo di sya makapaniwala na I took the situation positively, kse some of her patients daw nung nalaman na may HIV sila parang ayaw ng mabuhay. Sabi nya just to make sure, kung kailangan ko daw ng shrink? I told her I can manage. And that is still free, libre walang bayad. Imagine, ang mga psychiatrist dito mahal ang bayad sa kanila.

I think for the next few years of my stay here, I should really submit myself to their guidance, I have high hopes na because of this program I could still live a normal life. Salamat at merong ganito dito.

My Clock is Ticking like a Timebomb

That is true. Ibang-iba talaga pag alam mong bilang na bilang na lang ang araw mo dito sa mundo. Before, wala sa ugali ko ang magbilang ng araw pero ngayon, or noong nalaman ko na may sakit ako, di natatapos ang araw na napapabuntong-hininga ako at sinasabi sa sarili, "hay, isang araw na naman ang lumipas". Feeling ko ngayon ambilis-bilis ng paglipas ng mga araw. Kakasimula pa lang ng linggo pero parang nasa weekend na agad ako. Madami akong gustong gawin and parang kinakapos parati ako ng oras.

Minsan naiinis ako sa relo ko kse oras-oras tumutunog sya, and parang napepressure ako na gawin ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. Kaso sa pagkadami-daming bagay na gusto kong gawin, nawawala naman ako sa focus. Di ko na malaman ngayon kung ano ang uunahin ko. Magulo ang isipan ko. Parang parating may naghahabol sa kin at parang tumatakbo ako parati. Nakakapagod. Sana mafocus ko ang sarili ko.

Well Im sure I will be able to focus myself. Bago pa lang kse kaya medyo nangangapa pa ako. Isang araw na naman ang lumipas at ang 20 years ko (life expectancy ng mga HIV+) ay nababawasan ng nababawasan.

Living my Life...with my boarder.

I stopped sulking and getting depressed about the news. Yeah, that's right, the only way to forget things is to live your life to the fullest. And when I say living my life, means Im enjoying it the wholesome way. Having this boarder in my body isn't fun, but I am telling you permanent boarder na sya. Kailangan mo lang syang disiplinahin para it wont take control of your body. Now part of this discipline is having fun in a wholesome way.

I haven't written for the past two days i guess, this is because I am keeping myself busy and therefore taking away my thoughts of my current situation. So what did I do in the past two days, like what I implied in my earlier blogs, Ive still got a job and there's no time to waste. In fact I make every moment in my job memorable. Small things na ginagawa ko, I make sure I give my best to it. That's how I will be remembered by my co-workers. Making spectacular things out of nothing. Right now, I am so motivated in my job that Im always giving my best now. Meron palang positive side ang pagiging positive (no pun intended).

I spend my time with my fellow co-workers. Just tonight, we went out and had our sushi night. I enjoyed the company of my co-workers now. Before kse I dont go out with them because I dont think they're fun to be with. Kala ko kse mga boring silang kasama but I was sooooo wrong. I hope I'm not too late enjoying moments with them. I would definitely go out with them again.

Yesterday, I finally was able to talk to a counselor, I think that made a big difference in my outlook. It helped me a lot to have someone to talk to who is really dedicated in helping you go through the process of accepting the truth. Yeah, long process daw ang pagdadaanan ko and they're there to support me. I am lucky that I am here in the US because all out ang support nila sa mga HIV positive. This thursday will be our first meeting and I am just excited that I would be able to pour all my feelings, my thoughts, my worries, my questions to my counselor. She is an expert in this part of the game and I know this would make a lot of difference than just knowing that you have the virus.

To end my blog today, just would like to thank all those people who read my blog and commented on my blog. I dont know you that well yet but hopefully I'll get to know you more as you go thru with me in my journey. Thank you all.

What's Next for me?

That is the question. Just thinking about the fact na HIV+ ano na kaya ang mangyayari sa kin? My friend told me na continue what I am doing which is working to get higher degree and just live a normal life. And I agree with her. I will live a normal life but with some considerations na. For example, if my normal life before involves sex with random guys, siguro now normal life would mean no sex or if meron naman, make sure the other concerned guy know about your health issues. Definitely, I will continue to get my diploma in higher education because this will be my ticket to future jobs here in the US.

My bestfriend told me that siguro nga di ka na dapat umuwi sa Pinas, because here you will be taken cared for especially that you have HIV. And I also agree with her. This is a turning point in my life na kung saan I have finally decided to stay here sa US instead of going back to Pinas. Sabi ko sa dalawa kong friends, I would go back to the Philippines para i-share ang mga natutunan ko dito sa US, but things have changed now, its about me na. Dati kse its about giving back. Anyways, im sure in my own way, I could still give back something sa Pilipinas eventhough I decided to stay here in the US for good.

But honestly, masakit sa loob ko na di na ako babalik ng Pilipinas, because I love the country so much. Masakit ang ginawa kong desisyon but I also have to consider myself this time. For the past several years, puro pagbibigay sa bayan ang ginagawa ko, siguro its about time na bigyan ko naman ng konting halaga ang natitira kong time dito sa mundo for myself.

Sya nga pala, baka may impression kayo na nagprogressed na ang HIV ko. Di pa ho. Matagal pa ang ilalagi ko dito sa mundo, but of course you can't help but think na bilang na bilang na ang mga araw mo.

November 01, 2007 my New Birthday

It was officially last November 01, 2007 when I heard the news that I am HIV+. Iba ang feeling. Di ko maexplain. Hindi ako naiyak, hindi ako natuwa, parang numb ang buong katawan ko. I was just listening to the doctor telling me about the test. Both of the two tests came out positive or reactive. There were two tests palagi, the first is the ELISA, and if positive ka sa ELISA, they will do the Western Blot and if both are positive, you are officially declared to be HIV+.

After the doctor have explained everything, saka lang ako parang nagkamalay, and I asked the doctor the craziest question na pwede kong maitanong that time, I actually asked the doctor if there is no chance na mawala pa ang virus. Crazy di ba? Kse i know naman that once you have it, it will never go away.

Isa sa mga sinabi ng doctor is that I should not feel na parang wala ng pag-asa. Pero HIV+ ako, how can i feel na meron pang pag-asa. He explained to me that being HIV+ is not synonymous of having AIDS. HIV+ means you have the various and if hinayaan mo mag take over ang virus sa katawan then that's the time it become AIDS. AIDS is the progressed stage of HIV.

According to my doctor, there are many medicines now that suppresses the virus, and many HIV+'s live a normal life nowadays, unlike 20 years ago daw that once meron kang HIV then you will be ostrasized and magiging outcast ka na sa society.

I understand what the doctor was trying. He was trying to lift my hopes, my spirit. Its working a bit pero andun pa rin ang katotohanan na HIV+ na ako. I felt light headed all throughout the day. Paglabas ko ng hospital, I immediately called my bestfriend and my friend. I felt that pare-pareho kmeng nafeel. Sabi ko sa kanila, nasalisihan ako sa isa sa mga sexual encounters ko.

I have this gay friend, sinabi nya na we (meaning, us gays) are not far from contacting this virus, its just a matter of time kse sa lifestyle namin, mas at risk kme. I wanted to tell him na I have it na, but I am sure na di sya prepared to accept the fact na meron ako. Im sure he will tell me na nagjojoke lang sya nung sinabi nya yun and he will ask me bakit ko tinotohanan.

Andami kong naisip nung araw na yun, its just so hard to organize them so pasensya na kung magulo tong blog ko. Im sure in the future it will come as bits and pieces in my stories. Its November 3 now and at 2am November 4 the time will fall back. Sana pwedeng ganun ang buhay ko, fall back to the time na wala pa akong HIV. Sana this is one bad dream.

To my dear friends....

I am creating this blog for you my dear friends. You will read this blog when the right time comes, but as of now, I am not ready to tell you that I have "it". Mahirap magkwento from the start, it is painful to tell a story of what happened to me when the time comes na ready na ako, so naisip ko, i'll just send you guys and gals an email with the link, napaka-informal di ba, pero as much as possible gusto ko kalimutan ang first day that i receive the news. I hope you understand.

I am opening this account on the second day that I have 'it'. Naisip ko lang to create this blog para may outlet ako ng mga emotions ko. There are only two very close persons in my life who knew about my condition, they're the people whom i trust my life with. Pero since may mga partners sila, im pretty sure their partners already knew but i am confident also that i could trust them.

Who are these persons I trust my inner most secret with? Isa sa kanila is a long time friend, I grew up with her and we never lost touch. We went to school together in high school, we got separated in college because we went to different schools, but we never lost touch. We still would hang out together for drinking night session or bar hop eventhough we are from different schools na. After that she went abroad for greener pasture and yet we never lost touch. I would send her a message from time to time in her email and when i finally got a hotmail account, i was able to get hold of her sa msn messenger. I thought when she went abroad, mawawala na ang communications pero hindi. Although there were moments na walang message pero pag meron naman sobrang haba and kwento ang ginagawa namin. Little that I know na marereunite pala kme. Finally, the time came and sinundo na nya ako sa airport and i stayed with her until I was able to settle sa place ko.

The second person is my best friend. I met her in college. We belong in a co-ed organization and sya ang sobrang naging close ko. She became my confidant and vice-versa. Problema nya sa boyfriend nya, problema ko na rin. Problema nya sa family nya, problema ko na rin. We became really really close na pati sa mga family affairs nandun ako. Even her siblings kilala ko na rin and ka-close ko na rin. Unfortunately like nung una kong best friend, she also has to seek greener pasture. She went abroad kse ang partner nya abroad din. She got a job naman agad and when they decided to get married, umuwi sila for the wedding ceremonies. After that they went back and little that I know na marereunite din pala kme. Sa Pinas pa lang she kept texting me na how excited she is na darating ako. She told me that although malayo kme from each other at least we are now in the same country.

These are the two people who knew my secret already, and kayo na mga nagbabasa ng blog ko. This is just the start of my stories. More to come, I have to go to bed now but i will tell you kung ano ang mga nangyari sa kin that day that I receive the news sa next entry ko.

To my two special friends and their partners, thank you so much for the support. You have nothing to worry, di ako ang suicidal-type na tao and the remaining time that I have here, sobrang eenjoy ko. I love you friends.

To my friends who doesn't know yet, pasensya na kayo, I dont want you to worry. Im ok, im in perfect health and im still living a normal life, yun nga lang if others have cancer, I have 'it'.