Health Care and Support sa US

I went to the health department of the county this afternoon for an appointment with case managers. Sila ang mga social workers na tumutulong sa mga tao na may HIV. I met with two of them na tututok at tutulong sa kin in the process of managing my situation. The first lady I met was dear enough to wait for me outside of the building kse sabi ko sa kanya nahihiya ako to ask the receptionist, automatic kse pag hinanap mo sya people would conclude na may HIV ka. When finally nakapasok ako sa office nya, she closed the door and we just talked. Masarap syang kausap, she would listen and offer suggestions and advises sayo. We came to a point when she asked me of my previous partners dyan sa Philippines, and I said that it is still difficult for me to ask those partners or tell those partners to get tested kse iba ang isip ng mga tao dyan sa atin. Pag nalaman nilang may HIV ka sasabihin kaagad na may AIDS ka which is wrong. Isa sa mga worries ko is malaman nila na HIV + ako and alam nyo naman ang tsismis, mabilis kumalat. Ayoko that yung mga friends ko malalaman pa nila dahil sa tsismis. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanila na personal ang nangyari sa kin but it will come in the right time. So sabi ko sa social worker, I still have to really think about it hard kung pano ko masasabihan ang mga previous partners ko. Maybe an anonymous letter or email? But that would freak them out, pero I know sa sarili ko na di pa ako ready and the social worker was really very understanding and she said na di kailangan ngayon ko na gawin to, if the time comes na ready na ako then they will help me contact those persons. Madami kmeng pinag-usapan and sobrang lumuwag ang dibdib ko kanina after our session. It wont be a regular session tho. Sabi nya sa kin the next social worker will determine if we need to be meeting regularly.

The second social worker is the one responsible for my medical needs kung kakailanganin ko na. She basically gave me an overview of the services na pwede kong gamitin from the health department. Ngayon pa lang sobrang napakaganda ng program nila. When I went this afternoon, I also got enrolled sa Case Management Program nila, and once you are enrolled sa program na to, everything is free. I told her if it would matter na di ako US Citizen, and she even told me na kahit nga illegal ang entry ko, they would still help me because nandito ako sa US. Well sabi ko sa Pilipinas siguro mamamatay agad ako if umasa ako sa tulong ng health department dyan. Sad to say but our country is soooo behind when it comes to health services, lalo na pagdating sa HIV/AIDS. All my test are free, pati transportation ko to the Center where I will meet an HIV specialist, libre lahat. She even said that when I finally got an apartment, she would deliver food boxes for me. Sabi ko naman, I still can manage and I also have a job so sabi ko sa mga less fortunate HIV+ na lang muna nya ibigay ang food boxes. Medyo di sya makapaniwala na I took the situation positively, kse some of her patients daw nung nalaman na may HIV sila parang ayaw ng mabuhay. Sabi nya just to make sure, kung kailangan ko daw ng shrink? I told her I can manage. And that is still free, libre walang bayad. Imagine, ang mga psychiatrist dito mahal ang bayad sa kanila.

I think for the next few years of my stay here, I should really submit myself to their guidance, I have high hopes na because of this program I could still live a normal life. Salamat at merong ganito dito.

My Clock is Ticking like a Timebomb

That is true. Ibang-iba talaga pag alam mong bilang na bilang na lang ang araw mo dito sa mundo. Before, wala sa ugali ko ang magbilang ng araw pero ngayon, or noong nalaman ko na may sakit ako, di natatapos ang araw na napapabuntong-hininga ako at sinasabi sa sarili, "hay, isang araw na naman ang lumipas". Feeling ko ngayon ambilis-bilis ng paglipas ng mga araw. Kakasimula pa lang ng linggo pero parang nasa weekend na agad ako. Madami akong gustong gawin and parang kinakapos parati ako ng oras.

Minsan naiinis ako sa relo ko kse oras-oras tumutunog sya, and parang napepressure ako na gawin ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. Kaso sa pagkadami-daming bagay na gusto kong gawin, nawawala naman ako sa focus. Di ko na malaman ngayon kung ano ang uunahin ko. Magulo ang isipan ko. Parang parating may naghahabol sa kin at parang tumatakbo ako parati. Nakakapagod. Sana mafocus ko ang sarili ko.

Well Im sure I will be able to focus myself. Bago pa lang kse kaya medyo nangangapa pa ako. Isang araw na naman ang lumipas at ang 20 years ko (life expectancy ng mga HIV+) ay nababawasan ng nababawasan.

Living my Life...with my boarder.

I stopped sulking and getting depressed about the news. Yeah, that's right, the only way to forget things is to live your life to the fullest. And when I say living my life, means Im enjoying it the wholesome way. Having this boarder in my body isn't fun, but I am telling you permanent boarder na sya. Kailangan mo lang syang disiplinahin para it wont take control of your body. Now part of this discipline is having fun in a wholesome way.

I haven't written for the past two days i guess, this is because I am keeping myself busy and therefore taking away my thoughts of my current situation. So what did I do in the past two days, like what I implied in my earlier blogs, Ive still got a job and there's no time to waste. In fact I make every moment in my job memorable. Small things na ginagawa ko, I make sure I give my best to it. That's how I will be remembered by my co-workers. Making spectacular things out of nothing. Right now, I am so motivated in my job that Im always giving my best now. Meron palang positive side ang pagiging positive (no pun intended).

I spend my time with my fellow co-workers. Just tonight, we went out and had our sushi night. I enjoyed the company of my co-workers now. Before kse I dont go out with them because I dont think they're fun to be with. Kala ko kse mga boring silang kasama but I was sooooo wrong. I hope I'm not too late enjoying moments with them. I would definitely go out with them again.

Yesterday, I finally was able to talk to a counselor, I think that made a big difference in my outlook. It helped me a lot to have someone to talk to who is really dedicated in helping you go through the process of accepting the truth. Yeah, long process daw ang pagdadaanan ko and they're there to support me. I am lucky that I am here in the US because all out ang support nila sa mga HIV positive. This thursday will be our first meeting and I am just excited that I would be able to pour all my feelings, my thoughts, my worries, my questions to my counselor. She is an expert in this part of the game and I know this would make a lot of difference than just knowing that you have the virus.

To end my blog today, just would like to thank all those people who read my blog and commented on my blog. I dont know you that well yet but hopefully I'll get to know you more as you go thru with me in my journey. Thank you all.

What's Next for me?

That is the question. Just thinking about the fact na HIV+ ano na kaya ang mangyayari sa kin? My friend told me na continue what I am doing which is working to get higher degree and just live a normal life. And I agree with her. I will live a normal life but with some considerations na. For example, if my normal life before involves sex with random guys, siguro now normal life would mean no sex or if meron naman, make sure the other concerned guy know about your health issues. Definitely, I will continue to get my diploma in higher education because this will be my ticket to future jobs here in the US.

My bestfriend told me that siguro nga di ka na dapat umuwi sa Pinas, because here you will be taken cared for especially that you have HIV. And I also agree with her. This is a turning point in my life na kung saan I have finally decided to stay here sa US instead of going back to Pinas. Sabi ko sa dalawa kong friends, I would go back to the Philippines para i-share ang mga natutunan ko dito sa US, but things have changed now, its about me na. Dati kse its about giving back. Anyways, im sure in my own way, I could still give back something sa Pilipinas eventhough I decided to stay here in the US for good.

But honestly, masakit sa loob ko na di na ako babalik ng Pilipinas, because I love the country so much. Masakit ang ginawa kong desisyon but I also have to consider myself this time. For the past several years, puro pagbibigay sa bayan ang ginagawa ko, siguro its about time na bigyan ko naman ng konting halaga ang natitira kong time dito sa mundo for myself.

Sya nga pala, baka may impression kayo na nagprogressed na ang HIV ko. Di pa ho. Matagal pa ang ilalagi ko dito sa mundo, but of course you can't help but think na bilang na bilang na ang mga araw mo.