It was officially last November 01, 2007 when I heard the news that I am HIV+. Iba ang feeling. Di ko maexplain. Hindi ako naiyak, hindi ako natuwa, parang numb ang buong katawan ko. I was just listening to the doctor telling me about the test. Both of the two tests came out positive or reactive. There were two tests palagi, the first is the ELISA, and if positive ka sa ELISA, they will do the Western Blot and if both are positive, you are officially declared to be HIV+.
After the doctor have explained everything, saka lang ako parang nagkamalay, and I asked the doctor the craziest question na pwede kong maitanong that time, I actually asked the doctor if there is no chance na mawala pa ang virus. Crazy di ba? Kse i know naman that once you have it, it will never go away.
After the doctor have explained everything, saka lang ako parang nagkamalay, and I asked the doctor the craziest question na pwede kong maitanong that time, I actually asked the doctor if there is no chance na mawala pa ang virus. Crazy di ba? Kse i know naman that once you have it, it will never go away.
Isa sa mga sinabi ng doctor is that I should not feel na parang wala ng pag-asa. Pero HIV+ ako, how can i feel na meron pang pag-asa. He explained to me that being HIV+ is not synonymous of having AIDS. HIV+ means you have the various and if hinayaan mo mag take over ang virus sa katawan then that's the time it become AIDS. AIDS is the progressed stage of HIV.
According to my doctor, there are many medicines now that suppresses the virus, and many HIV+'s live a normal life nowadays, unlike 20 years ago daw that once meron kang HIV then you will be ostrasized and magiging outcast ka na sa society.
I understand what the doctor was trying. He was trying to lift my hopes, my spirit. Its working a bit pero andun pa rin ang katotohanan na HIV+ na ako. I felt light headed all throughout the day. Paglabas ko ng hospital, I immediately called my bestfriend and my friend. I felt that pare-pareho kmeng nafeel. Sabi ko sa kanila, nasalisihan ako sa isa sa mga sexual encounters ko.
I have this gay friend, sinabi nya na we (meaning, us gays) are not far from contacting this virus, its just a matter of time kse sa lifestyle namin, mas at risk kme. I wanted to tell him na I have it na, but I am sure na di sya prepared to accept the fact na meron ako. Im sure he will tell me na nagjojoke lang sya nung sinabi nya yun and he will ask me bakit ko tinotohanan.
Andami kong naisip nung araw na yun, its just so hard to organize them so pasensya na kung magulo tong blog ko. Im sure in the future it will come as bits and pieces in my stories. Its November 3 now and at 2am November 4 the time will fall back. Sana pwedeng ganun ang buhay ko, fall back to the time na wala pa akong HIV. Sana this is one bad dream.
9 comments:
please don't apologize. the post is not magulo. but still, i don't know what to say. i hope you're ok.
Namanhid ako after reading this post. I don't know what words to say and I don't know if I should say what's on my mind. I don't want to sound like a preacher but isn't it time to spend some time with our Lord?
I remember one homily in a mass. Sabi ng pari, bakit may hawak na "staff" (baston) ang shepherd? Una to protect the sheep from wolves and ikalawa para mapalo/masaktan/mapilayan niya ang mga naglalayas/naglolokong sheep. Then he ask, kung ihahalintulad natin si Lord sa isang shepherd at ang mga tao naman ay sheep, bakit kailangan niya tayong saktan or pilayan? Kasi kapag napilayan ang sheep, hindi ito basta-basta makakaalis sa tabi ng shepherd para mabigyan Niya ito ng personal at special na pag-aaruga. Para magising ang sheep sa hubad na katotohanan na hindi siya mabubuhay ng basta-basta lang nang wala ang shepherd. :)
i stared blankly sa screen ng laptop ko not knowing what to think of. i dunno. i'm so sorry to hear that. i know sorries aren't enough to ease what you're feeling now but i hope, in a little way, i have shown you that i too care. you just really have to be strong and face each day positively. you have opened my eyes that life isn't just about giving in, it too is fighting back. i hope you know that a lot of people care for you. i am one of them. be well. God is there.
OMG. parang nagflashback tuloy ang mga pinanggagawa ko ng mga nakaraang araw!
hindi ko alam, how i am going to deal on it if ever that happen to me. you are seem to be so strong.
take care always.
im slowly picking up the pieces guys. if i am a crystal sobrang daming bubog ang nagkalat nung nabasag ako. daming pieces and im starting to pick it up....slowly hopefully, i dont ran out of time to complete again the vase.
Nakakakilabot. ANg gnagwa ko ay panay ang forward ko ng mga messages about AIDS, HIV and STDs sa mga friends at kakilala ko to help in a little way. Pati nga sa inuman ay panay ang discuss ko.
Just be strong. Hindi pa naman katapusan ng mundo.
i'm speechless after i read your story... i fell silent for a while... then i cried... i don't know why but i did... i feel for you and for all the people who has the same situation... i'm a late bloomer (i accepted i am gay at 23, i'm 29 now) and i didn't have time to interact and mingle with lots of other gays like us since i got married to my man in 2004... i only have link to the outside world by reading gay blogs such as this and of course through some very chosen and special gay friends... thank you for sharing part of you life in this blog... it's a wake up call to all of us...
anyway, i really hope life would be kind to everyone who's got this mallady... sana nga magkaroon ng cure, yung hindi just to suppress the virus but to totally eliminate it... i'm praying it would be soon...
nevertheless, live your life to the fullest... madami ka pang pwedeng gawin... don't let it pull you down... instead use it to gain people's understanding and trust, like what you did to me when i read your post...
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